36: Investment

Hi you.

With so much forward propulsion lately, there's always bound to be a slowdown.

Lately, my days are packed full and I have been feeling like there's not enough time in the day to get what I want done.

My vision board is a constant work in progress, but boy-is it busting at the seams.

I found myself going through my recent accomplishments-personal, professional, and all of the in between..and have been just sitting back at the end of the day feeling so much pride in myself.

Boundaries, space, stepping back, more hours, earlier wake-ups, more outside, more ME.

But, my biggest accomplishment yet has been my acceptance.

I mean, I read about it in books, and I thought that maybe i'd just simply done it-and not noticed it in my crazy growth spurt..

But, there I was, crying on my therapist's couch.

Here I am, doing so many great things, sharing my excitement, and then not even a minute after-crying.

Correction, I was sobbing.

And you know what she said?

"What you are feeling is normal, it means that you are human."

She was right.

You read about being numb in books, passing the time, never knowing when you are finally to get to where you want to be, forgiveness, all of the steps..but, you never really know until you know.

Everyone's journey IS different.

I wish someone would give me the steps, so I could meticulously follow them.

(yes, I WILL read the directions when we build Ikea furniture together.)

Now, I wouldn't say I was numb to my feelings..it's just that they don't come in large waves anymore, they just come in from time to time. (much like this mercury retrograde)

*insert eye roll because everyone is being a little crazy right now*

I am still sad, I DO mourn the life I thought I would have, and I grieve for the person I was not just two years ago-but a year ago today.

I want you to know that I understand that we both have a past, and I hope that you are also choosing to work through yours.

I sift through my memories often, and frequently.

Not to reminisce because I miss my exes, like some would assume..but because I want to constantly remind myself of what I loved and didn't love about myself-and my actions.

My biggest takeaway has been my inability to invest in the stock that is me.

I have spent years, investing in numerous partners, supporting others’ growth-mentally, professionally, personally, the whole nine yards.

But, at the end of it all-the relationship stock I invested in would plummet and become worthless.

At the end of this all, the person I am grieving is not my recent ex-or any of them.

The person I grieve for is myself-and the life I have always wanted.

I am behind in so many ways, but in others-I am ahead.

With that, I can continue on.

I know that with your soft heart, instead of telling me “I told you so.”-you are whispering the words “Finally.”

And in this moment, I am home.