Fog

I have been trying to sort my thoughts lately, and have found myself in quite a fog.

I also have been getting those lovely notifications from my photo album, that remind me of what I did last year..and it’s hard to think that this time last year I was celebrating..or at least I thought I was.

But, the more I look back, I find myself looking through the good..and finally noticing the bad.

I suppose a part of me wanted to just keep seeing everything great about our trips, and pushed away so much bad.

Classic behavior, stereotypical, whatever it is.

But, it’s real.

I take a look at the photos, and I want to see all of the good..because I want to believe that the love I had was something of value.

But, I also see how much of myself was cast aside, and devalued.

It’s hard to believe that over time, I questioned telling people that I was dating a woman..or even that I was gay.

Now, I certainly don’t go around waving a rainbow flag..but I can definitely say it is part of my identity.

I look back at this exact day a year ago, and I was celebrating with someone I loved..and no-one in the company we were with knew we were together.

Then, we went to Napa..and I was also just a friend.

We could hold hands or kiss in the airport, but then I found that the memories I was creating were tainted, and the people I was meeting weren’t actually meeting me.

I was this constant self-conscious person, who was consciously ensuring I wasn’t touching her, looking at her for too long, or calling her “babe”.

Even right now, as I type..I find myself immersed in these moments like it’s happening right now.

The feeling of going inside of myself, questioning my every move, ensuring that I’m perfect..so perfect that I would find myself imploding at any given time.

Of course, that’s in the past..but the damage lives on.

I find myself afraid to tell people I recently dated a woman-even when I’ve been dating women a majority of my life.

I find it hard to just be myself, even when the biggest factor is removed.

I want to find my way back, but the fog is incredibly thick..and there’s so much more to it than this.

I fight for my self worth, and how I find it attached to things that I never used to find important.

And it’s not just attached, it’s almost as if it’s wrapped around..and suffocating my self worth slowly over time.

But, most of all..I find myself temporarily unworthy of love..and so afraid that I have become a mass of “red flags” as a result.

I hope I can find my way out of this, find financial freedom again, find my identity, and find a path towards breathing again.

I hear the air is cool, and easy on the lungs.