Day 23: Begging

Did I ever think I’d find myself begging someone to show me decency?

No.

Yes, yes but “I’m stronger than that, I deserve better…”

But, right now-it just feels like exhaustion.

I am exhausted.

Everything I think about doing, exhausts me.

I wish it weren’t this way, but along with the other stressors: finances, working, and my health all going through their cycles..there wasn’t much left for extra.

What little extra I had, and what I was trying to build up over time..was just sucked from me all over again.

Of course, I let it happen..let’s call me a victim, or whatever it is that makes people looking on the outside feel better about downplaying a situation.

Disclaimer: I don’t take away from anyone else’s mishaps, or what they’re going through-or the fact that I (very luckily) do not have cancer.

I am grateful every day for those joys, but it doesn’t take away from what I am feeling.

We are all battling our own demons, and this is mine.

Valentine’s Day was coming up..

And at the time, we were talking abut spending it together, along with my vacation that followed into the week.

It was a great “idealized” potential weekend/week..

I started prepping my brain to not get too excited, but also found myself kind of excited. Here I was, almost a year after all of this craziness hit the fan with the pandemic, where I’d taken a 4 month leave, and gotten the biggest blessing ever (my puppy).

But..also..here we were, talking about figuring things out (my ex and I) and she’d stepped up (or so she said).

But, what she failed to include was that she wanted to have the girl she’d been dating (and lying to the entire time) in her life..and she wanted me too.

-but then, of course, she made things right..by being “honest”..

But only after she came in like a bull in a china shop, and broke every little piece of fragile progress I made.

So, here I am.

With some box of chocolates on my bedside table that just came in the mail from her “because she felt badly for me, because my Christmas sounded like it was sad”.

And here we are..wondering how it is that my entire self worth fell apart over a box of chocolates today.

How I took that box of chocolates, and was reminded of terrible memories related to my previous birthday, to someone I truly thought the world of flirting with men in front of me, leaving me behind, and ultimately just ruining what was once my absolute favorite place to get chocolates-all of these things done with no remorse.

Or, the kind of remorse that lasts for a day or two-and then dwindles.

All I can do is sit here and question how I introduced someone to the most sacred and important things in my life, and she destroyed them without a care in the world.

The conclusion I reach is simple..and I am grateful for my friend today that said to take these actions as “reassurance that I know I am better off”.

Now, the conclusion is simple..but I suppose what I do moving forward will be more difficult.

But, she is right..and I am better off, and I suppose I am better off with my ex going back to this other woman.

I can now get back to my growth, and away from the lies and the vines of the love that wrapped around me, and truly suffocated me.

I look forward to it.

I want to say that I hope she will be better in the future.

But, my hope only goes so far..and unfortunately, I’d rather not waste it anymore.

If you’re unhappy with reading this, or maybe even disappointed..well, that’s okay.

Life has its ups and downs, and right now, things feel dark, heavy, and a mixture of angry and confused.

I find myself searching for answers that I will never get, and I haven’t yet settled on knowing I won’t get them.

I am choosing not to neglect or push away these emotions, and to just feel them..so I can eventually find myself becoming more present with those around me.

I want to be present, and not so far away anymore.

I hope you are patient with me.

Soon, I hope to not be the end of an echo from this hole.