Day 24: Love me

The silence is interesting.

From what I’ve read, the effects of silence on another person is actually linked to the same receptors that are responsible for physical pain.

That is, when someone is ignoring you.

Now, this is different because it is no contact..and even if it is mutually beneficial for both parties..what’s really important here is how its beneficial for me.

I have recently become quite rich in terms of new friendships (that I’m not supposed to be starting according to this book) but, they have been such a blessing.

I don’t know if you will believe in God or a higher power, but there is SOMETHING that brought these people into my life right at this time.

Something KNEW I would need support, love, and beautiful people around me.

As I read this book, and claim my status as a “victim” of abuse..I am wrapped in so many feelings like rage, sadness, denial, relief, and never in the same order.

At times, I wonder if I was the psychopath or if I was just “being dramatic”..because I am always open to being open minded about my faults..but, as I’ve read that is also a really typical thing to question.

But, as I have questioned these things..I have also asked myself this:

“If I were a psychopath, how am I surrounded by these people who are so genuine and kind?”

I have to take a really big step back, and look at my surroundings..and my recent actions, and the person I am TODAY.

Not who I was yesterday, three weeks ago, or even three months ago.

I made mistakes, I took on some bad habits of the person I dated, I did and said things I’m not proud of..but, lucky for me-I know that’s not me.

And even more lucky, I don’t have to prove that to anyone, beg them to believe me, or even worry about what they think.

I am taking the steps away from psychopaths and their behavior or thriving on making people like me go into panic attacks-or having that power over me.

I am saying no to feeding into their carefully thought out plots to wreck my entire day because they just can’t be happy with themselves.

I am saying yes, to healthy-and no, to more psychopaths..in my path.

The person I am today is proud of what I have gone through, and only hopes that I continue down this journey and after a couple of years of hard work-that we bump into each other.

I hope you never have to go through this pain, because if so-my heart hurts for you, and that makes my body want to squeeze you just a little harder and longer.

I am so proud of where I am today, and so excited to countdown my No Contact countdown and celebrate the little-big achievements to come.

I am hopeful today, but a completely different hopeful than I was a few weeks ago-I am hopeful to stand on my own two feet, to breathe in without my chest tightening, or to not worry about a message coming into my phone or email box that makes me cringe.

I find myself getting excited to do all of the things, I am finding myself productive again, positive, and wanting to share all of the kindness (like confetti), and immerse my friends and family in the warmth of my love now that it is no longer reserved, caught up, or drained by one person.

I am excited to have hard conversations with those I do love about repairing our relationships, and working towards a better future.

I have found my way out of the fog of constant worry, and have been able to see that those I love are also going through struggles, victories, and need support too.

I am ready to listen with open ears, and really hear them again.

I leave room for error, falling backwards here and there, and moments of pain and sadness.

But, I won’t let it be the only thing anymore.

I hope you are proud of me today, and we can celebrate the small victories together just like I will be in the coming months.

Today is a good day, when I thought it was going to be a really terrible one.

I am so surprised.

Today, I love me.