Day 38: Catchy title here...

I have been so in between lately..

Do I go here, do I go there?

left, right...

I wish so hard for guidance, but it feels like every way I turn doesn't give me the restitute I need to feel confident in my journey.

Lost...

like, in the movies where someone gets lost in the woods, they're spinning around, and every way looks the same as the other..and soon, the direction they came from has blended in with every other direction.

I.am.spinning.

In fact, I am dizzy...and by the time the world slows to a stop, I am exhausted.

Things are shifting quickly, and I barely have enough time to catch my breathe.

I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, while it is simultaneously crushing my chest..making it hard to breathe.

everyone's battle is different, and there are times where I feel like mine is so small compared to what others are going through.

At times, it makes me feel guilty for feeling this way...

But, at the same time-I certainly can't shift away from this simply because my journey isn't the same as someone else's?

Dealing with finances is overwhelming enough, but really-if that were my only worry..I think maybe I could handle it.

Instead, I am coming to realize that trauma is real, and that abuse can happen to anyone.

I watched a video, and had yet another "epiphany" as I was watching a woman throw things around while her boyfriend video taped her.

All I could think about was...how far did he have to push her to break her....the way my ex always pushed me.

I have been in mental states that I am ashamed of, and entirely out of control of my senses after being pushed so far-I finally fell off of the cliff.

I have been gaslighted, manipulated, lied to, hit, talked down to, had my love twisted around and turned into something so ugly that it was barely recognizable...

Who can be trusted anymore?

How do I know you when I meet you?

How do I know that you won't do this to me too?

How do I love again?

The world is dizzy.

I am trying so hard to find the bread crumbs to the sweet life, but it appears that someone covered them with dirt.

I choose to believe that you will think about this possibility, and step away from the sweet life to find me along my path to lead me back to a peaceful love that can be called "home".

Home is where you are.

(and the dog(s?))