Day 6: Girlfriend

Who would’ve thought I would find myself in a situation where the word “girlfriend’ was something that I had to fight for..and who would’ve thought that I’d find myself writing about this.

Some say that “coming out” was easy-they just knew and it was seamless.

I, unfortunately fought myself every step of the way until I finally reached a point where I realized that I was hurting others-and ultimately myself by hiding a big part of me.

But once I found my way into self love, I swore to never go back to that dark place.

I could finally breathe without holding my breath, and the air that filled my lungs felt like it filled my entire body-and I was whole.

I went through my first relationship, and then another, and another after that-and I knew exactly where I belonged.

The people I met along the way never questioned me, and never made me question myself.

It.was.bliss.

I was accepted into their families like I had been there the entire time.

I could hold my partner’s hand, touch her shoulder when I walked by, and place my hand on her leg when sitting on the couch..and I never questioned it, or second guessed myself.

I was able to experience dating like any other person going through the steps of a relationship: the dating, the flirtation, the late night talks, the surprise dates, the moving in together, the breakup, the fights, the ups and downs.

It was amazing, and awful, and everything it needed to be.

But, never once did I have to fight for something as simple as someone calling me their girlfriend-and not because they were afraid of commitment..but because they were afraid to be true to themselves.

Now, if I could go back to my teenage self..and I never took the step to be completely myself-I could only imagine the amount of self hate that those years would produce.

For the last year and a half, I got a reminder of that hate..the air that once relieved me now hurt to breathe.

Social situations made me shrink back, and I seemed to lose my glow. Over time, I stopped trying and I gave up, and gave in to the prison of someone else’s prison of self hate.

But then, that part of me that’d once tasted freedom would come back-but I’d come back angry and relentless. My self-love would riot, and cause scenes on the inside-screaming to be free, pleading me to see the inner damage I was causing.

I became a ghost of myself; giving in to everyone around me, pleading to be accepted, to be seen, to be loved.

I don’t know if you will see this as a moment of weakness, as a show of inner strength /resilience, or maybe a mixture of both.

You should know, I will love you for everything that you are-and I probably already do. (Considering this is a journal to my future wife)

If only I had known what I know now, I would certainly be better off..but, ultimately I think I am better off.

I loved, and I loved hard, but I think this taught me that you can love someone..but you can’t overlook your own happiness while trying to make someone see how beautiful life can be when they don’t want to open their eyes.

Here you are, eyes open, and loving me for all that I am-and for that, and because of this-I will never take this for granted again.

This will be a lesson in love, and in life; and I will cherish it for what it was.

Let’s be brave in our love, and be proud of it-and never steer away from standing up for it even in the faces of those we fear rejection from.

It’s worth it, and so are you.

Learning forever, me.