Day 21: Present. Presence.

“Trying to make excuses because I was single...but after three years the relationship deserved a courtesy period”

This was the entry that finally gave life to the inner voice inside me that had been slowly been dying over time after years of self doubt and criticism. Something, after reading several books about breakups, self help, growth, being alone, and moving on FINALLY made me listen.

I was right in the way I felt, because there was no “wrong” way to feel.

Everything I felt was real, and I was done listening to everyone else tell me otherwise.

It happens more often than not that the people-or the person we are closest with hurts us-and instead of accepting responsibility..they avoid it, dismiss, or try to minimize it. This is done for many reasons, but that’s not what the focus is here. The focus is not allowing anyone to dismiss the way you feel, the emotions you are feeling, or what something means to you.

“You are you, there is no one who is youer than you”

(or something like that, don’t come for me Dr. Seuss)

What you feel is real, what I feel is real. Period.

Read that again.

What you feel is REAL.

Don’t ever let someone take the way you’re feeling, and downplay it simply because it makes them uncomfortable.

If someone hurt you, either they will take it, and accept it- or they won’t.

There is something to be said here, that this is not meant for some big happy ending-because we are often so fixated on some kind of happy ending that we are on the edge of our seats, hoping that something bigger comes along. Something greater that will bring us to the edge of our seats, and say THIS. This is exactly why I suffered, this is why I went through everything. There was clearly something bigger meant for me.

This is not any of that. This is the process, the grit, the figuring it out over time, and hoping that over time I can emerge as someone who truly trusts herself-first and foremost.

This is doing the scary shit, finding myself again, taking back control of my life, and finding my worth.

This is rediscovering the thing I’d constantly and consistently placed in the hands of others, relationships and friendships alike.

This is being single, on purpose.